The Willpower Trap: Why Identity, Not Discipline, is the Ultimate Key to Changing Your Life
If you’ve ever said to yourself, “I just need more willpower,” or, “Why can’t I just be more disciplined,” allow me to pull up a chair with you for a minute.
I know it’s a challenging thought, but that feeling of not trying hard enough and falling short of your goals is not actually due to a lack of discipline—it’s because of your identity gap.
Which is really just wellness coach-speak for the disconnect, or gap, between who you think you should be and who you actually are.
It’s not your mind intentionally sabotaging you in your most vulnerable moments. (Yeah, I’m looking at you, fridge full of rotting produce you bought during your “this week I’m different” era. Trust me, I’ve been there too.)
The truth is, it’s a classic cart-before-the-horse situation, and one you can fix with a few simple steps.
In this blog, I’m going to show you exactly what this identity gap means to you, how to make lasting change in your life, and yes—what to do with that bag of browning lettuce in the crisper drawer.
First, let’s talk about the Strategy Trap (aka: why your plans keep ghosting you)
You know that moment when you’ve finally decided it’s time to make a change? You’ve mapped out the perfect plan. It’s color-coded. Time-blocked. That plan is pretty sexy, right?
Then… three days later?
You’re not following it.
It’s common for people to assume the problem here is willpower—as if you’re supposed to white-knuckle your way into your goals, hopes, and dreams.
But here’s the simple, non-sexy truth most people don’t know:
Your lack of success isn’t because you lack discipline.
You “fail” because the plan wasn’t built for the identity you’re actually living from.
This is because the engines that power how much capacity you have for making changes in your life are your nervous system and your identity, or your “sense of self.”
The nervous system relates to your biology, and your identity relates to your psychology.
In other words, how much you can change at any given time is up to how well your biology and psychology can cope with the degree or intensity of the change.
So, if a strategy doesn’t account for who you believe yourself to be and your day-to-day stress load, oftentimes, it doesn’t work out.
Think of it like planning a garden: Before you ever start planting seeds, you first have to spend time working the soil. You water it, loosen it up, and give it the proper nutrients to prepare it—so it can nurture the seeds you’ll plant come spring.
Otherwise, you’ll be planting those seeds in soil that’s hard, dry, and lacking the proper nutrients, and expecting them to grow just the same.
Of course, one or two scragglers may pop up out of sheer determination and will to live—but you won’t be able to make a meal with them. You’ll never build a thriving, flourishing garden unless you take time to tend the land. The truth seems obvious when you think about it this way, doesn’t it?
Now, I hear you saying, “Why, then, do I hear so much about willpower?”
To set the record straight, willpower is actually a great tool for tiny goals and small, in-the-moment choices.
Choosing water over soda at dinner
Getting out of bed when the alarm rings instead of hitting snooze… twice
Walking past the donuts in the office with the confidence of someone who’s already had breakfast
Instances like these are where willpower shines brightest…
But unfortunately, willpower is terrible at building long-term change.
Why?
Because willpower is a short-term cognitive resource.
This means that it’s great for short-term tasks like temporarily remembering a phone number, grocery list, or street name, but it’s not great for longer-term retention.
Remember Dory, the well-meaning, enthusiastic companion with short-term memory loss in the Disney movie, Finding Nemo? Think of willpower as your brain’s Dory mechanism.
The problem with trying to use willpower to run your life is that willpower is like a battery. It fatigues, fluctuates, and drops out completely when you’re tired, overwhelmed, or living with daily stress—which, let’s be honest, is most of us in today’s world.
Why willpower is a short-term fix, not a long-term change
This wishy-washy battery life is why, instead of relying on discipline or willpower, we’re much better off turning to identity to make lasting change.
Unlike willpower, identity is more stable and long-lasting.
It’s the internal story of:
The kind of person you believe you are
The daily life you think you deserve
The behaviors that “make sense” for you to do
When your nervous system is already juggling work stress, a half dozen emotions, decision fatigue, and the countless micro-fires you put out before lunch, willpower isn’t going to swoop in like some superhero to save your burning city.
That’s identity’s job.
Willpower, since it’s more like a battery, drains much faster under strain. In fact, many people are running around on 12% power while asking themselves why they can’t operate like they’re fully charged.
This is where the identity piece becomes incredibly important.
Why your brain resists change, and what that has to do with your identity
When you rely on willpower alone, you’re essentially trying to hold two competing truths in your head:
“I want to be this version of myself.”
and
“I’m currently acting like this other version of myself.”
That internal mismatch is not only exhausting—it’s literally draining your mental energy.
Our brains are designed to conserve energy and stick with familiar patterns.
Here’s an example of that conservation in action: Ever been on mental autopilot? Times like when you’re brushing your teeth or making coffee in the morning. Or even more unsettling—like when your drive to work just sort of… happens. Without you even thinking about it.
These are all examples of your brain saving energy while performing a familiar pattern. They are also examples of when your identity starts steering the wheel.
Believe it or not, those automatic patterns aren’t random. They come from the version of yourself that your brain believes is your natural “home base.” And that version is running the show way more often than the person who’s supposed to do the plan taped to your fridge… but avoids making eye contact with it 5 days out of 7.
The fact is, your identity is always going to win over your strategy.
If you see yourself as “inconsistent,” “not athletic,” “someone who starts strong and fades fast,” or “someone who just isn’t organized,” your brain will automatically filter its choices through that lens—no matter how strong your willpower or how pretty your plan looks on paper.
But what I want you to realize is that, most of the time, this isn’t self-sabotage. It’s just cognitive efficiency. Your brain is literally wired this way, and its job is to reinforce the story it believes keeps you safe and your life as predictable as possible.
I want to pause here for a second and reiterate the phrase “safe and predictable.”
Remember that bag of rotting lettuce we spoke of earlier? It’s not wasting away because you’re not disciplined enough to eat it. It’s becoming sludge because, to your brain, it’s the antithesis of safe and predictable.
Here’s why:
Your brain’s number one job—above goals, aesthetics, productivity, willpower, or becoming your “best self”—is survival. Full stop. End of story.
Think of it this way: Your brain is basically a very dramatic security guard, armed with a clipboard and ultimate veto power. If a behavior shows up at the highly exclusive party that is your life, and it isn’t already on the “approved visitors” list, it doesn’t matter that it’s good for you—it gets flagged as a threat and strong-armed out the door.
New 6 am workouts when your version of regular activity is walking to and from the parking lot to your job?
Threat.
Trying to cook three fresh meals a day when the most-used app on your phone is DoorDash?
Threat.
Suddenly becoming a “salad person” overnight when your fridge hasn’t seen a leafy green since you moved in?
Ultimate threat.
And remember, it’s not because these behaviors are dangerous; it’s because they disrupt predictability. They’re foreign, unfamiliar behaviors that your brain hasn’t learned how to automate yet. It can’t forecast the energy cost. It doesn’t know if this change increases stress or decreases it. So its primitive, survival-based system goes: “Hmm… unknown. Feels risky. Time to shut it down.”
That’s why you feel so much resistance when it’s time to face anything new. It’s not laziness, lack of willpower, or a bad plan—it’s simply your brain trying to keep things stable by using the patterns it already knows, according to how you’ve built your identity.
So when you build a plan that doesn’t match that identity, your system treats it like a threat rather than an opportunity.
But here’s the good news: when you start by changing your identity first—even in tiny, microscopic ways—suddenly the strategies stop feeling like uphill battles and start feeling as natural as breathing. Like someone you are, instead of someone you keep trying to force yourself to become.
If you take the time to loosen the soil first, the seeds naturally take root.
But before you worry about changing anything… You’ve got to start with awareness
Some systems in our bodies are simple, and others are more complex, but either way, you can’t effectively upgrade a system you don’t understand.
Your “identity system” is a mix of familiar patterns, nervous-system responses, stress cues, and old beliefs that all work behind the scenes on autopilot to drive your everyday choices.
We’ve all watched a YouTube tutorial to help us do something we were struggling with at some point, right? Remember the “ah-ha” moment you had once you figured it out? Awareness is that ah-ha moment. It’s what gives you the understanding your brain needs for making changes.
When you notice what you do, when you do it, and what state you’re in when it happens, willpower becomes mostly irrelevant. Patterns stop feeling personal and start feeling manageable. The resistance you experience feels less demoralizing and more like a signal that this is something that needs a closer look, or may be an area where you can work to gain a deeper understanding of yourself. And your attitude toward your existing behaviors starts feeling understanding rather than shaming.
We’ve talked about a lot today, but here’s the bottom line and what I want you to remember when you walk away from this:
You change your life by changing your behavior.
You change your behavior by changing your identity.
You change your identity by becoming aware of it.
Try this simple exercise to begin becoming aware of your identity:
For the next 48 hours, I want you to track just one thing: your state of being.
Not your steps, calories, discipline, or to-do list.
Your state.
Ask yourself a few times a day:
“What’s my energy like right now?”
“What’s my stress level?”
“What story am I telling myself about this experience?”
“What headspace am I operating from in this moment?”
This exercise seems too simple to be effective, but it works because when you become aware of your internal state, you gain perspective, understanding, and ultimately, empathy.
You stop blaming yourself for not acting like someone running at 100% battery, because after checking in with your energy, stress level, and headspace, you realize that you’re actually only running at 40%.
By simply doing this quick self-check-in, you can start to see how your identity and nervous system are shaping your behavior in real-time.
And once you see yourself more clearly?
Change stops being a fight and starts to become a collaboration—between your old identity, and the new identity you want to create—rooted in understanding, rather than force.
When you start to see yourself more as an ally than someone you need to beat, you eventually begin to see real changes take root.
This process is exactly what we cover in Lesson 1 of my course, Identity Lab.
Because to truly change your life and wellbeing for the better, you don’t need more discipline, more rules, or another hyper-optimized plan.
You need a foundation that actually supports the person you’re becoming. The version of you that can carry out meaningful changes without burning out.
If you’re interested in finally making lasting changes in your life and becoming the person you’re dreaming of, Identity Lab is the course to help you get started.
It’s only $97, but right now I’m offering it free for 26 people in 2026.
To get 100% off your enrollment, click here and use the code change100in26 at checkout.
Remember, you’re not a project that needs fixing.
You’re just a person trying to grow—and your identity is the soil that deserves all the awareness, intention, and nurturing that you can give it.
Until next time,
Brandon Jennings, CWC, CPT, WLS
